DEAR CAROLYN: I am 29 and have been dating a wonderful man forover two years now. We get along fantastically, even though we arepolitical opposites (yes, people have made the Carville-Matalincomparison many, many times). The problem? His parents. They assumethat, since I'm dating their son, I must feel the same waypolitically that he does. They spend much time slamming causes Ibelieve in. They mock politicians I have voted for. They tell jokesI find offensive. I just sort of say, "Hmmmm ..." every once in awhile and smile mildly. I'm not stupid enough to stand up and say,"For the love of humanity, I am a (insert affiliation here)!" At thesame time, there have been moments when I have been incrediblyuncomfortable. Am I being a wimp? Am I misleading them? Or am Isimply being a polite guest who may one day be a daughter-in-law?
Politically Incorrect
Seems to me you've got plenty in common. You're both being wimps,you're both misleading his parents, and neither of you is beingpolite when you just sit there and pretend nothing's wrong whilethey have the conversational equivalent of spinach chunks in theirteeth.
Why didn't one of you, upon the first dinner-table mention ofpolitics, make a "Watch it, you're dining with the enemy" joke?Imagine how the parents will feel at the maybe-someday rehearsaldinner, while the inevitable Carville-Matalinisms fly, uponrealizing that you're not what they'd always assumed. Sure, theyshouldn't have assumed, but will such subtleties as sharedresponsibility really matter whilst they page through their memoriesof all those conversations, all those jokes, all those hmmms, andthink, "Our new daughter-in-law is a squid"?
It's probably too late now for you to rip off the Band-Aidwithout scarring the delicate parent-interloper relationship, butyour boyfriend still could. He could tell them the truth when you'renot around, explaining that you kept quiet both out of courtesy andyour belief that politics are a private matter of conscience - feelfree to wing it here - and that he's the one who lacked the guts tosay something sooner. Clearly both of you are at fault here, buthe's their son and they presumably love him regardless, so let himtake the hit. Besides, as the sole Outsider you've always been inthe more vulnerable spot, so he should have stepped into the breachfor you, upon Offensive Utterance One.
Next, you all need to change the subject. If it comes up, though,you will promise to have a 24-hour sense of humor about it. That'syour penalty for serial inertness in the face of an ongoing socialchallenge. The exception is in the event of hate-basedoffensiveness, which transcends politics and is your cue to call ita night.
DEAR CAROLYN:
I am a 30-year-old guy who had a pretty rough childhood. Therapyhas been really helpful and the next step is attending AdultChildren of Alcoholics meetings two or three times a week. I haven'tdated anyone seriously in the past few years, due to therapy and tohaving moved a few times, but now that I am settled I'm sure I'll bedating more.
My question is: Do people avoid those of us with "baggage"? Idon't want to lie about where I go three times a week (there areonly so many "late meetings" one can have), but I also don't want toreveal too much too soon.
To add to the complexity, I am gay and the men I've met in my newtown seem to be more image-conscious than most. I realize "the rightguy" will accept me as I am, but I am concerned about people ingeneral.
Adam
How can I put this PC-ly. ... If I were on a scavenger hunt and Iwere instructed to locate an emotionally tranquil childhood, Iwouldn't go looking in gay bars.
But that's beside the point, especially when the point is theequal-opportunity less-than-idyllic upbringing. You want to know howpeople feel about baggage? How's "intimately familiar?" We all haveit, whether it's an evening clutch or a steamer trunk, so as long asyou manage it without hogging the entire overhead compartment,people will like you just fine.
Just watch out for the ones who like your baggage just fine. Themore eager you are to be liked, the more vulnerable you'll be topeople who feed off pain. Even if they mean well, that's the lastthing you need when you're trying to leave pain behind.
DEAR CAROLYN:
I have been dating a guy for about two months and we have a tripplanned in November. He has suggested that we return married. I am22 and I feel that I love this guy enough to marry him (yes, evenafter two months) and I know he loves me, too. Everything in life isrisky, right? So why not just go for it? Problem is, I think myparents would disown me - and I think, deep down inside, I wouldlike an old-fashioned wedding and the beautiful dress. But theeloping is so spontaneous and much more like me!! I guess I'm justlooking for someone to say, yes, risky is good, or no, risky is bad.
B.B.
How about: Yes, stupid is stupid. Forget risky - what matters isthat you're weighing the decision to get married in terms of whichceremony best suits your personality. Groom shmoom, let's talkdress!
(Roll ergonomic chair away from desk. Bang head against wall.Weep.)
The only thing worth a bag of seed pearls in this whole weddingprocess is the person you marry. You can try, but you won't persuademe that you can judge someone's long-term compatibility, patiencewith your flaws, emotional consistency, ability to hold down a job,strength under pressure, respect for family, respect for you and,the big one, sheer gut-level tolerability after illness has confinedyou to the same house together for days and days and days all in"about two months."
You're 22, you just took full possession of the keys to the restof your life. Don't drive it into a wall.
Write to "Tell Me About It," c/o The Washington Post, Style Plus,1150 15th St., NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 or e-mail:tellme@washpost.com. Chat online with Carolyn each Friday at noonand Monday at 3 p.m., both Eastern time, at www.washingtonpost.com.
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